I don't like................

People who smash laptops up then claim that the damage was caused by 'not having the correct documentation'.

Anyone with a novelty ring tone who let it play ALL THE WAY THROUGH before answering. Nobody thinks you're funny. They think they want to remove your eyes with a porcupine quill and vinegar (well I do.)

Those folks that walk into YOU then tut.

Meatloaf (the singer, not the dish) (Not that I'm implying that Meatloaf (the singer) is a dish)

'Cool' people. I love your selective, elitist attitude. You really are great, honest. And those clothes and your beautiful friends.....WOW! (Anyone reading this and thinking, "God! He's only bitter cause he isn't cool", clearly aren't really cool cause really cool people NEVER think they are. Hey! I've pretty much done away with all cool people. How cool am I? .......shit!)

Self help books. Christ, if you need those kind of publications, you want to get the happiness habit (by Christine Webber, £6.99 ISBN 0-340-74593-2)

Anyone who moans about kids behaviour. I appreciate that some children can be a bit boisterous but please. Unless they are hurting someone or damaging something are they really being annoying. I bet you did when you were a kid. (I love it when my kids are boisterous AND damaging and hurting stuff. GO KIDS!)

Having to get up before I've finished sleeping. Why don't employers understand this? I'd be much more productive if I stayed in bed all day. Ask anyone who works with me.

Having to pay for coffee at work. That is wrong. They are the ones who got me hooked in the first place. It's been proved it's harmful to your health. They should take some responsibility and provide a supply whilst introducing a reduction plan. Please don't suggest de-caff or I'll rip you fuckin' face off.

People who ring you up then spend the next 10 mins reading their e-mails. I know I do it but it doesn't mean every bugger else has to.

People who boast about the amount of sex they get. Look, I'm married, shut up.

To be continued.......... believe me.......

What? No...not much....

Why does everybody seem to be doing shit and I seem to be doing shit all?

My life is one long Mercury Music Award....without the music.......or mercury........or, indeed, award.

Ne'er mind.

To all those people who didn't attend our open viewing this weekend....

...... here is what you missed.



We are currently trying to sell our house but to be honest, it's not going well. I am, until the 13th Feb, father to 3 children (after that date I will be the father of 4, just in case you thought I was going to strangle 1 or 2 and bury them in shallow graves on Ilkley Moor, then get banged up for life and only allowed out for a walk on said moor, pointing randomly at mounds of heather and scrub, making the filth think I know where I buried the little.....an so on and so forth) so we need a bigger place.



We've had a few people round but nobody has been that interested. I suspect that might be down to the fact that the estate agents, as is their want, send round people who wouldn't, in a million years, be interested. We have a three bedroomed, end terrace in a slightly agreedable area of Keighley, UPVC double glazing and central heating throughout. Hot and cold running wife and a host of features make this home suitable for anyone with over 400 children. Or at least I'm sure that's how it's being marketed.



One couple turned up with only a small selection of their children as they couldn't fit the rest in their Scania 146 low loader. Another were looking for a 4 bedroomed property and couldn't understand why the estate agents sent them. I'm sure they were convinced we were hiding one of the bedrooms cause we didn't like the look of them. So we arranged the open viewing over the weekend.



It is now 15:00 on Sunday and not one person has visited. This might be down to the fact that we had our For Sale sign stolen the other day and chucked in the disused allotments at the top of the road (Hey! My life sounds more and more like a cheap English copy of Scooby Doo more and more each day!) but I'm sure if you're bright enough to follow the estate agents directions you can at least read numbers on doors. (If you are interested, drop me a mail. £117,950. Kids not included. Compatible with PSP, PS2, SNES etc)



So to all you bastards who didn't come and have a look round, I hope you buy a house that looks like this.



And it falls down and kills you.