I don't like................

People who smash laptops up then claim that the damage was caused by 'not having the correct documentation'.

Anyone with a novelty ring tone who let it play ALL THE WAY THROUGH before answering. Nobody thinks you're funny. They think they want to remove your eyes with a porcupine quill and vinegar (well I do.)

Those folks that walk into YOU then tut.

Meatloaf (the singer, not the dish) (Not that I'm implying that Meatloaf (the singer) is a dish)

'Cool' people. I love your selective, elitist attitude. You really are great, honest. And those clothes and your beautiful friends.....WOW! (Anyone reading this and thinking, "God! He's only bitter cause he isn't cool", clearly aren't really cool cause really cool people NEVER think they are. Hey! I've pretty much done away with all cool people. How cool am I? .......shit!)

Self help books. Christ, if you need those kind of publications, you want to get the happiness habit (by Christine Webber, £6.99 ISBN 0-340-74593-2)

Anyone who moans about kids behaviour. I appreciate that some children can be a bit boisterous but please. Unless they are hurting someone or damaging something are they really being annoying. I bet you did when you were a kid. (I love it when my kids are boisterous AND damaging and hurting stuff. GO KIDS!)

Having to get up before I've finished sleeping. Why don't employers understand this? I'd be much more productive if I stayed in bed all day. Ask anyone who works with me.

Having to pay for coffee at work. That is wrong. They are the ones who got me hooked in the first place. It's been proved it's harmful to your health. They should take some responsibility and provide a supply whilst introducing a reduction plan. Please don't suggest de-caff or I'll rip you fuckin' face off.

People who ring you up then spend the next 10 mins reading their e-mails. I know I do it but it doesn't mean every bugger else has to.

People who boast about the amount of sex they get. Look, I'm married, shut up.

To be continued.......... believe me.......